I had my first taste of mindfulness/meditation practice in my third year of university. I had just sustained my third and possibly worst concussion as a rugby player and I was determined to do every and anything I could to heal and get back on the field.
The only problem was that the treatment protocol for concussions was rest. Do nothing.
If you know me well – or even at all – the idea of sitting around and doing absolutely nothing to get better was terrifying for me. I was at the mercy of time, crippled by the awareness that there was nothing I could do.
During this time I was in Chapters one day with some friends, and found myself drawn to the books on buddhism – something I had always been interested in, but never completely drew me in until that moment. I was struggling with my concussion – and it wasn’t so much about the headaches, lack of concentration or fact that I couldn’t play anymore that I struggled with. I had developed anxiety and had panic attacks – some so severe I thought I was having a heart attack so I forced my friends to take me to the hospital. I had sporatic episodes of depression that were so pervasive, so over powering that no matter where I was I would have to step away and cry – even for a couple minutes to ease the burden. That day in Chapters, overwhelmed by the many books on Buddhism and eastern religion, I bought the complete idiots guide to Buddhism. Thankfully there was a wonderful section on meditation and my journey began that evening.
It was a little different than the mindfulness meditation I teach, but it was a great start nonetheless. The book suggested sitting in a comfortable position, and beginning to focus the mind on the inhales and exhales of the breath. It suggested that you count to 10 without letting your mind wander. So I sat there, watching my breath anxiously trying not to let my mind wander. I think by my first exhale I was already thinking about something else. The book said if your mind wanders, just go back to one and start again. I don’t think I ever made it past 3 or 4! It was really hard. But I stuck with it, and over time even focusing on a few breaths helped to reduce my anxiety. Grounding myself in my breath helped me through the darkest moments in my worst days. My breath helped me work through panic, and anxiety – and it still does. My practice has only deepened, and reached new levels of awareness.
When I got my first big girl job I supported a client in going to an 8-week Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class (MBSR for short). I am forever grateful to this client for reconnecting me with my passion for mindfulness and meditation. What was amazing about this course, was that rather than the style of meditation I was doing, which discourages the mind wandering, MBSR encourages us to simply bring awareness to the wandering mind, and gently guide it back. In the MBSR practice there is no “right” or “wrong” way to do it. If your mind wanders, you notice. If you get irritated about how long you’re sitting for, you notice. If you fall asleep, you wake up and notice! Understanding that there wasn’t a definitive right or wrong way to do this practice made me feel so comforted and safe.
I began practicing on my own, and allowed this seated practice to compliment my asana based yoga practice (another method of practicing mindfulness really). I now have a daily Ashtanga yoga practice, as well as daily formal and informal mindfulness practices (I will talk more about the difference between formal and informal mindfulness practices in my next post). I just finished a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction teacher training. I am so excited to have the opportunity to teach people in person and online the practice of mindfulness, and support anyone who is willing to learn in learning and understanding this incredible practice.
