I am 22 weeks pregnant with my first child, and I couldn’t be more excited. I mean, there are so many things to look forward to. The baby shower, preparing and setting up for our new addition, and of course all the comments and concerns addressed by family, friends and often times complete strangers.

I am going to start off by sharing my intention for this post. It is NOT to vilify any particular person, or group of people. It is NOT to suggest that there is one perfect way of preparing for motherhood and all the stages in between.

It is to highlight that there are infinite ways of bringing a human into this world, and raising said human

For some reason, everyone feels the need to comment on your choices when you are a pregnant woman. And usually people are coming from a good place. They just want to help. I like to think so anyways. I like to believe that people usually have your best interests in mind. I mean, no one has come up to me and said, “Hey, you should really take up skydiving, kick boxing and binge drinking now that you’re pregnant.” Their comments and suggestions are usually with a good heart. But on behalf of pregnant women everywhere – unless we ask for your advice or opinion, please keep it to yourself.

I cringed a little as I wrote that for fear of coming across as mean, bitchy or ungrateful. But honestly, it’s the truth.

Like I said before, there are literally infinite ways of experiencing pregnancy, labour and motherhood, no two experiences are alike. And while support is welcome from almost any pregnant women, criticism and negativity aren’t so much.

Here are 3 things your pregnant friends don’t want to hear:

Labour horror stories

We live in a culture of fear around birth. Any woman I have spoke to about birth, and the fact that I want to have mine naturally typically rolls their eyes and says, “Just wait sweetie, you have no idea how bad it is.”

No, I don’t have any idea. And what’s actually really beautiful about having no idea, is that I have a blank canvas upon which to create my own birth experience. Mine will not be yours. And yours will not be mine. I get that you are probably just trying to help by letting me know how painful it can be, but understand that you may be doing more harm than good.

Birth will likely be painful. I’m sure it isn’t a brisk walk in the park. But going into labour with fear is not helpful. Rather than disempowering someone with stories of pain, and suggesting she be well within reach of a epidural should she need one, try empowering her. Suggest that with a determined, calm mindset, a natural birth is absolutely possible. Encourage that she can do anything she wants if she puts her mind to it, because she can. And if you or someone you know is the type of woman who knows she want’s an epidural – awesome! It isn’t wrong to want an epidural, and it isn’t wrong to not want one. They are both simply different experiences of the same thing.

your opinions about Home Birth

This is a big one. There is a lot of controversy around home births, and people love to give you their opinion. Actually, people love to tell you birth horror stories to help you “re-consider a hospital birth because it is safer.” Most people giving this advice without understanding what is actually involved in a home birth. Hint – it isn’t a blood bath.

Again, I understand that this is all from a place of love and wanting you and your baby to be safe. But please understand that women considering a home birth are working with qualified midwives who are trained to assess risk, and who have been to many home births. Midwives know well before the baby is going to come out if there is a risk or not. They are trained to handle risk accordingly. My midwife literally face palms when I share with her the things people have “warned” me about, and reassures me that she’s got my back. She’s the best, and I am so grateful to be working with her.

If you have a friend who is considering a home birth, perhaps rethink your comments to her to yourself. She has more than likely addressed these issues with her midwife.

your opinions about diet

I am vegan, and there are no dearth of people criticizing the vegan diet when it comes to pregnancy. Better yet, the vegan diet post-partum and for the tiny human. Personally, I am quite well-versed in nutrition, and have no concerns that my child will be a healthy, nourished human being, all the while maintaining a plant based diet. You may have particular opinions, or concerns about a pregnant woman’s diet, or even view it as “child abuse” for a woman to feed her child a completely vegan diet. But unless you are this woman’s treating physician, please understand that you have no place in recommending how a pregnant woman eats.

There are so many different ways to eat while you are pregnant. Vegan diets tend to get more criticism than the quintessential ice cream and chocolate cravings that many other women get. For me, being on a plant-based, mostly gluten free diet is what works best. It may be completely different for you. And thats ok.

We ought to move away from fear, and into possibility

We live in a culture of fear when it comes to pregnancy and birth. We are afraid to let our pregnant women eat certain things, do certain things and give birth in particular ways. Our modern day society has medicalized birth to such a degree that many women are afraid to give birth anywhere other than their local hospital. At arms reach from an epidural or medical intervention should they want or need it.

Don’t get me wrong, medical intervention in pregnancy is amazing when used appropriately. It has without a doubt saved lives, and improved the quality of birth for many women. The key here is “when used appropriately.”

The issue is that we have created this culture where we are almost dependent on medicine for child birth, rather than empowered to let nature do it’s thing when clinically appropriate. For many healthy women, birth can be a completely natural, and beautiful experience. One that ought not be tainted by the horror stories of other women. And while I have written this, i’m sure the comments, concerns and horror stories wont stop for myself or other women.

So here’s how I’m choosing to handle it:

I am using these stories as opportunities to practice equanimity.

To hear these women’s stories as their experiences, without making them my own. Acknowledging that just because some women have negative birth experiences does not mean I will. I am allowing these stories to go in one ear, and out the other without touching my blank canvas.

I have no expectations of how my birth should be

I mean, I would LOVE to have a completely natural home birth, but I am well aware that may not happen. And that’s ok. My intention is to go into my birth with no expectations – good or bad – and to allow the experience to unfold exactly as it does.

I can’t say for sure how it will go. I could do the whole thing naturally. Maybe I will ask to go to the hospital and get an epidural. Or perhaps my baby will be breach and i’ll require a c-section. Regardless of how my baby comes into this world, I will have a positive birth experience. Not because of how it happened, but because of my mind going into it. Our mind is the most powerful tool we have. Regardless of what we are faced with, if our mind is calm and focused we can conquer anything. This is how I want to experience child birth.